Pompeii 3D

I have a theory about how this came about. Somebody was watching a documentary about Pompeii on TV. They turned the channel and caught part of an episode of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena. Then, as is often the spark of retardation, they decided to combine the two, but not before taking out the historical accuracy of the former and the wanton gore and sex of the latter. What results is a mild, inoffensive action/disaster movie hybrid that’ll soak up a lazy afternoon.

The plot, what little there is, is basic. Slave-turned-gladiator Milo finds himself carted off to Pompeii to fight to death in the arena. On the way he falls in love with Cassia, a naïve, moronic nobleman’s daughter who is being wooed by Corvus, the man who, coincidentally, was responsible for the slaughter of Milo’s family. As Milo battles it out in a rigged match in the arena, Mount Vesuvius explodes and chaos erupts. Now Milo must escape from the arena, kill the bad guy, save the girl and flee the city.

The distinct lack of anything resembling historical fact or knowledge is concerning. You will not learn a single thing about Pompeii or the volcanic eruption it’s so renown for. Hell, not once does anybody ever refer to the volcano as Mount Vesuvius, something incredibly basic you’d think they’d manage to sneak in. But instead we get gladiator battles, flaming eruptions and hailing stones to dole out carnage.

 

The action segment of the movie feels like a far weaker version of stuff you’ve likely seen in every other gladiator-focused film and television series. The battles lack the visceral thrills or hardcore choreography of the likes of the Spartacus television scenes or even Rome. The disaster section of the movie though is relentless. Earthquakes, collapsing buildings, falling rocks, flaming boulders, tidal waves and clouds of burning ash all rack up a decent kill count of nameless extras.

Acting-wise, Pompeii could act as an expensive audition reel titled ‘Why none of these idiots are A-listers’. The acting is laughably bad, with nobody on the same wavelength. Kit Harington (better known as Jon Snow from Game of Thrones) proves that he’ll never get any big roles, giving a generic ‘brooding tough guy seeking revenge’ thing we’ve seen dozens of times before. The always awful Emily Browning goes all doe-eyed and needy as the love interest who makes stupid decisions in her near-suicidal determination to be with the man she loves for purely superficial reasons (she never even learns his name). The pinnacle of all this is Kiefer Sutherland, resurfacing here and hamming it up big time, putting on an accent that’s impossible to place.

Pompeii isn’t a great film, it isn’t even a particularly good one, but it is entertaining. It combines the B-grade thrills of a middling action movie, combined with those of a gladiator flick and a disaster film. You get swords and sandals, chariots and bloodsport, as well as earthquakes, flaming boulders, tidal waves and burning ash. And it’s all pretty entertaining. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a good movie, but it’s the sort of ‘lazy afternoon, pizza, buddies and beer’ fare that is perfect for a spare evening.